It’s Not Too Late To Repair Fractured Relationships With Siblings

When my siblings and I were separated from each other, it created a rift that extended into adulthood. I started the healing process and you can, too. By Elizabeth Ayoola

There’s this unspoken assumption that when you have multiple kids they’ll all be besties and loyal to one another because they’re siblings. The reality is that for people like me, it isn’t true. 

Around seven, I moved from London to South Florida with my two sisters. My four brothers remained in the U.K. and I remember missing them terribly. The next time I saw or spoke to my brothers was when I moved back to London at 17. Time, distance, and a lack of communication meant the bond we once had became non-existent.

When I see the dynamics between the siblings I grew up with, I notice a shift in my nervous system. That shift is the grief I feel because I don’t have family vacations with my siblings, banter during holidays, or Zoom calls laughing about all the trouble we got into as kids. In this article, we’ll explore some causes of fractured sibling relationships, how to heal from them, and ways parents can facilitate healthier sibling dynamics. 

Causes of Fractured Sibling Relationships 

When I moved to America from London, there was no discussion about it beforehand. I never knew why my brothers didn’t move with us and it wasn’t a question I asked until I got older. As I process my childhood, I realize moving away from my brothers was traumatic for me and I imagine it was for them too.

Family shifts are a common cause of fractured sibling relationships, says Phebe Brako-Owusu, founder of 253 Therapy and Consult.

“One got lucky and the other didn't and then it doesn't help that there's also that distance. And so there isn't that familiarity. It's like they're living two separate lives,” she says. 

Discussing the move as a family and having our feelings validated might have minimized the impact. However, we never had a culture of open communication, which is a huge cause of my fractured sibling relationships and overall family dysfunction. 

“I think that sometimes family traumas are not talked about openly whenever something really horrible happens within the family and it's kind of pushed under the carpet and we're pretending as though something hasn't happened,” Brako-Owusu adds. 

Family shifts aside, other causes of fractured sibling relationships include parents pitting siblings against one another and favoritism–something my siblings and I also experienced often. Both can fuel sibling rivalries, which can also affect relationships. 

“They look at one child who's maybe like the smartest or has the best strengths and focus on that child to propel the family next. But then the other children get negated,” says Kalonya Jones, owner of Lotus Counseling & Consulting LLC.

A 2023 YouGov poll found more than half of Americans who had at least one sibling experienced sibling rivalries growing up. Even more, 25% of participants feel sibling rivalries affect sibling relationships in the future vs 21% who say it helps. I was one of the ‘favorites’, and that made me feel pressured to live up to unrealistic expectations and I never felt I could be my true self. 

Facilitating Healing 

Understanding why my relationships with my siblings were fractured brought me comfort, but it didn’t bring healing. That’s because communicating about the damage that’s been done is a huge component of processing grief around sibling relationships and moving forward. 

For me, that communication began with a therapist. Jones says working with a counselor is a way to begin healing from fractured sibling relationships. 

“A counselor will be able to help you get to the root of the problem; you could be carrying on the weight of your whole family,” Jones says. 

Therapy taught me the root issue for me was not having my feelings validated. That led to me people-pleasing and struggling to share my feelings during conflict with my siblings. Resentment brewed and the silence drove a wedge in our relationship. Therapy has also helped me extend more empathy to my siblings because they all have their own childhood traumas too. 

Brako-Owusu says you may consider going to therapy with your siblings to work through any issues you’re having. Doing self-work before engaging with siblings is also something Brako-Owusu recommends. Self-work can help you understand what you’re feeling and take accountability for the role you played in your unhealthy sibling dynamic. 

“As much as we want to hold onto our hurt and feel the pain of all the things that people have done to us, we also have a role that we play. That's something that we also bring into the relationship. It's not a one-way street,” says Brako-Owusu. Self-work may also give you the healing and tools you need to lead with kindness if you choose to confront your siblings. 

If you do decide to address the past, have a clear purpose for why you’re bringing those things up be it reconciliation or setting clear boundaries. Using ‘I’ statements and actually apologizing are other strategies Jones recommends. 

I tried both and also wrote down my talking points before engaging in the conversation and it has helped kickstart healing in one of my sibling relationships. Being able to say, ‘I’m hurt by this’, ‘I need you to show up this way,’ or ‘I won’t accept this’ has been so empowering. 

Keep in mind that sometimes sibling relationships can’t be repaired. Your siblings may not be ready to have honest conversations or have the tools to process their emotions yet. However, not now doesn’t mean not ever.  

Facilitating Healthier Relationships 

I’m a parent of one and don’t want any more kids in the foreseeable future. That said, I do often think about how parents contribute to fractured sibling relationships. The first thing that comes to mind is not modeling healthy and open communication. Not validating every child’s feelings, no matter how insignificant it seems, is a second cause. 

Brako-Okwusu says parents need to open up the lines of communication, let all their kids express their feelings, and avoid favoritism. 

“Also, foster those individual relationships with your kids and between your kids. [Have] them go do things together, go connect with each other, make decisions together, and also just create that space for them to flourish together,” she adds. 

If I have learned anything on this journey, it is that sometimes a relationship isn’t permanently damaged. This just may not be the season for reconciliation. I hold onto hope that a time may come when sibling vacations and sharing stories by the fireplace may become a reality for us. I also make peace with the possibility that it may never happen.